the duck is dead, long live the duck

A woman goes into the vets with a duck under her arm. The vet lifts the ducks head and it flops back down. "This duck is dead," says the vet. "I do not believe it", says the woman. "I want another opinion."

The vet opens the door and in comes a black Labrador. The dog sniffs the duck and shakes its head.

"There I told you," says the vet. "The duck is dead."

"I want another opinion," says the woman.

The vet calls and in comes a Siamese cat. The cat sniffs the duck and shakes its head.

"There I told you," says the vet. "The duck is dead."

"OK," says the woman. "I accept your diagnosis. Please give me your bill." (not part of the joke)

The vet gives her a bill for $2500 and the woman exclaims, "But you only said the duck was dead!"

"Yes," said the vet. "But I had to base my expert opinion on a lab report and a cat scan and they are expensive."

--

US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is giving President George W. Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in the conflict in Iraq"

"Oh no!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at his display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally the President looks up and asks,

"How many is a Brazillion?"

--

Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. Nothing.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute, MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

--

A bear, a lion, and a chicken are sitting around talking about who's the hardest.

The bear says, "When I roar, the whole forest trembles." The lion says, "When I roar, the whole jungle shakes with fear" and the chicken says, "All I have to do is cough and the whole world craps itself."

--

What did the orange say to apple when they met up for a Saturday night drink?

"Your round!"

--

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

--

A guy walking along Second Beach in downtown Vancouver, finds a bottle and picks it up. A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out! For your kindness I will grant you one wish."

The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Victoria but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Vancouver Island."

The genie thinks for a while, shakes his head, and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that, there's just too much work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed - and as it's such a huge span, there would have to be filling stations and rest stops along the way. No, sorry, that's just too much to ask. It's too difficult - impossible; think of something else."

The guy says, "OK then , there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why they are so difficult to get along with ...you know, what makes them tick."

The genie thinks a second, then says, "You want two lanes - or four?"

--

An old couple go to the doctor's office for a check-up.

After their examination, the doctor informs the couple that they are both fit and healthy but he recommended that they both start to write things down as the memory starts to fade at their age.

Back home, the wife asks the husband to fetch her a plate of ice cream from the kitchen:

"Don't you think you should write that down?" asks the wife.

"No I think I can remember a plate of ice cream" says hubby.

"But I want strawberries too, you may need to write that down," says wife.

"No, I can remember strawberries and ice cream, I don't need to write it down" says hubby.

"But I would also like whipped cream. You may want to write this down," says wife.

"Look, I can remember ice cream with strawberries and cream. I DON'T need to write it down," says Hubby.

So off goes the Husband to the kitchen and he comes back twenty minutes later with a plate of bacon and eggs.

And the wife says, "What did i tell you? You forgot the toast!"

--

Two pensioners went into church on Sunday. It was nearly full and the service was going well. Halfway through the old lady turned to her husband and whispered, "OMG, I've just done a silent but deadly f*rt!"

The husband looked at her and said, "You had best change the battery in your hearing aid, dear."

--

Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month; otherwise it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man.

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come... About 5:00..."

"Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said, "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," said Tom. "after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Tom said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turned from the door saying, "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

-30-