contraception: jamaican style

Dear Doctor White:

Lard thunderin' jassssus, Me a beg you fe operate pon me so me can have me nuts cut off and get sterile.

Me 'ave plenty reason. Me an me wife married for seven years and have 9 pickney, but me come to the conclusion that contraceptives are friggin' useless.

After getting married here in Mo Bay, the priest tell me fe use the rhythm method.

Me try the Reggaee, Soca and the Ska, me wife get pregnant, and I ruptured meself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from dat, where do you find a band when yu get the urge at two o'clock in the mornin'?

Another doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we wus livin' with de in-laws and we had to wait tree weeks fe the safeperiod, when the 'ouse was hempty. Needless to say dat didn't work, and de missus get pregnant again. Twins dis time.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but de wife, well she got pregnant again.

Another tale we 'eard was if de wife jumped up and down after intercourse dis would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk, stubbed er big toe, but she still got pregnant again. Jaaaaasus nother set of twins.

I asked the pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a big box. Me wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of dem things over me index finger could ever stop de missus from getting knocked up yet again.

We tried the coil next but dat didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and me wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but the wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across 'er forehead.

Yu can see me problems right?

If I can't 'ave de operation I will 'ave to resort to oral sex, but lard jasssssus I can't believe dat talking bout it is any substitute fe the real ting. Do you??

Yours sincerely,

Eli from Mo Bay