a manna of hummable frogs

What's On Jesus' iPod? Pt. II

Readers respond! Ministry, Moby, Metallica and Morphine, and of course, we are all going to hell for this

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Wednesday, May 4, 2005

The suggestions, they came in like a happy plague of shimmering locusts, like a manna of hummable frogs falling from the heavens. So many there were, I could not possibly use them all and for that I, and if he were here right now, Jesus, apologize.

The question, first posed in my What's On Jesus' iPod? column from last week, has now been thoroughly and wondrously answered by you, glorious and sanctified readers, because, well, you Get It.

You Understand. You know that life is, after all, one giant divine iTunes Party Mix, and that Jesus is nothing if not one of the great -- if deeply misunderstood and misrepresented -- mystical DJs of the known universe. On this we can all agree. Except, of course, for those who were horrified and offended by this idea and believe we are all going to hell because of it. But hey, even the Devil likes a good Sinatra MP3.

So then, what's on Jesus' iPod, according to you? Well ...

Jesus would listen to "God," by Tori Amos: "God sometimes you just don't come through / Do you need a woman to look after you?" Sense of humor, sense of irony and a wicked loop!
-- Heather L

"Miss Freelove '69," Hoodoo Gurus. Jesus remembers those whores, artists, freaks and treats that filled his days and nights of wandering. He smiles, thinking about those crazy afternoons that you can't really speak of to anyone who wasn't there.
-- nick

Jesus wanted me to mention his ipod has over 12 hours of lenny bruce concerts, not the early bits but all the complete wild shows at the horn, in SF and at carnegie hall
-- Aric A

I think that a 'supernatural being' would have something more serious in his personal rotation. Consider: Adagio for Strings, Samuel Barber; Requiem Mass (K. 626), Mozart; Piano Concerto No. 3 (Horowitz), Rachmaninoff; Goldberg Variations (Gould), Bach
-- Tyler M

When he's snagged the keys to Daddy's late-'60s convertible El Dorado to go out cruising, in that magic California warm early evening softness, he belts it out and sings along with Dusty Springfield, "Son Of A Preacher Man."
-- Anne J

Are you kidding? His playlist OPENS with Steely Dan's "Deacon Blues." If I have to explain it, then you don't understand Jesus at all.
-- Marie C

"Super Sex," by Morphine -- Jesus loves Mark Sandman, and even Jesus digs that baritone sax ripping through the darkness. Jesus is a baritone sax. America is in darkness. Rip on, Jesus.
-- John K

HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Send such an e-mail out talking about Jesus and God the way that you have done ... After all the wonderful and great things he has done for you. I can't believe that someone would send such garbage out ... this post makes no sense whatsoever, and what in the world is an IPOD!!!!!!??????? I have a song for you ... how about "Amazing Graze" [sic] or "The Old Rugged Cross" there are so many songs that you should list in your "Post" that tell who he is and what he is all about ... instead of this garbage that you have posted that makes no sense whatsoever...
-- "The Smiths Home" [yes, a real e-mail]

Jesus would have the entire "Three Weeds from the Same Root" cd by Polish black metal band Thor's Hammer. After all that was done to Him when He was here, He'd have to have a black sense of humour.
-- Jennifer H

Moby, "My Weakness", because it sounds like someone left the door open in a corner of heaven where the children's choir practices and some of the mischievous kids are peeking through instead of participating.
-- Jon B

I think his iPod would include some fun Cole Porter songs, especially the version of "You're the Top" with Porter's sort-of secret naughty lyrics, because, if nothing else, Jesus has to have a sense of humor. I also think Jesus had a fling with Peter.
-- Sam H

"Minarets," by Dave Matthews Band: Scathing indictment of the Moslem intolerant Re-fried again Christians ... written between Gulf Wars I and II .... (Minarets are those cool phallic towers on Moslem mosques)
-- Stephen R

He just loves Nawang Khechog and relaxes with "Leading the Path of Non-Violence" and "The Heart Is for Kindness".
-- Oliver D

I personally feel Jesus would have Johnny Paycheck's "Take This Job and Shove It" in response to the people who have made him their boss but refuse to listen to what he's saying.
-- James M

Mike Scott, "Open." Because Jesus is all about being open to love, life and the mystery; Bright Eyes, "When the President Talks to God." The Morford J.C. column set to music and poetry; Nashville Pussy, "C'mon, C'mon." Jesus loves screaming, "f-- yeah!" on the chorus
-- Jim W

Lectures. Especially Naomi Klein, Malcolm X, Arundhati Roy, Howard Zinn and Cornel West. And he has the complete archive of Democracy Now! programs.
-- Se…n Kinane

An audiobook of Christopher Moore's "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal" can't be any less inspired than some bits of Paul's letters
--Colin M

"Somebody Loan Me a Dime," by Boz Scaggs -- Jesus is just amazed that God put such a soulful tune in a white guy.
-- Bob W

Put it this way -- if JC doesn't have this song on his divine pod, he ain't really Jesus. It's "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," by Hawaii's big Buddha of love, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. If you've heard it, you know why.
-- Jesse K

I'd say "running with the devil", by van halen, it would take him back to the day, when he and lucifer were just hangin out
-- R Sherman

Jesus likes to rave on E and listen to vintage Kraftwerk just to feel young again.
-- Jeremy

I'm certain that Sigur Ros' entire CD "Agaetis Byrjun" is on Jesus' iPod. In fact, I think I saw him at one of their concerts.
-- Carol Q

I think Jesus would like Lyle Lovett's "Church"
-- Anne W

Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World." Kind of self-explanatory, but if I had to leave my 23-year-old son with one philosophy to live by, this would be it.
-- Valerie H

Yo, we KNOW Jesus was a black man, right? Right? So where in the name of Afrika Bambataa is all the old-school hip-hop Jesus would NO DOUBT have had on his iPod? Grandmaster Flash & the Furious 5's "The Message"... THE MESSAGE?! HELLO?!
-- Will S

Jesus would love almost anything by Bill Evans, who grabbed handfuls of piano notes like grapes which he squeezed into celestial wine. Especially "B Minor Waltz."
-- Bruce H

"Disposable Heroes," by Metallica, because he hates war; "War Pigs," by Black Sabbath, again because he hates war; "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath," also by Sabbath, because it could easily apply to what people have done with his Word; "The Sign of the Cross," by Iron Maiden, because, well, God protects us all, except maybe rabid right-wing born-again anti-marijuana fundamentalists
-- Chris M

I'd have a very hard time believing that Jesus is not a big ol' musical theater queen. Jesus loves Sondheim, so he'd have "Sorry/Grateful," from "Company," and "A Little Priest," from "Sweeney Todd," and "Hello Little Girl," from "Into The Woods." He'd recognize that nobody's ever written a better song of thanks for his dad's creation than "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning."
-- Janet H

Jesus would never own an iPod. Someone might give him one, but the guy traveled light and unencumbered. He'd turn right around and give it away, mint and in the box.
-- Echo U

stupid article, i hope that you repent of your sins and trust Jesus Christ's death, burial and resurrection for the salvation of your soul.
-- Tony W (preachertony.com)

Kinky Friedman -- "They Ain't Makin' Jews Like Jesus Anymore" (it's funny, and the guy in the song stands up to the redneck)
-- Glenn W

"Get Right with God," Lucinda Williams: If she lived 2,000 years ago, Lucinda would have been Jesus' Calamity Jane, the 13th disciple, and today happily wedded gay couples and female priests would be welcoming Pope Lucinda XVI.
-- Josh L

I definitely know that Jesus has the entire John Prine collection on the Holy iPod, especially, "Jesus, the Missing Years," "Your Flag Decal Won't Get You into Heaven Anymore," "Fish and Whistle," "Angel from Montgomery" and "Space Monkey."
-- Lise R

Jesus' top three Elvis tracks? "All Shook Up" when feeling inspired; "Jailhouse Rock" to keep his spirits up after being arrested; "Suspicious Minds" because it teaches us about trust.
-- George H

Now more than ever before in the benighted history of competing dogma, Jesus' iPod, I am sure, would contain more than a few samples of Middle Eastern music. Particularly, it would feature Cheb Mami, Faudel, Woroud Milad, Nawal al-Zoghbi, the enchanting chanteuse Amina Annabi and the divinely/diabolically inspired Natacha Atlas.
-- Brian S

I know what Jesus has on his iPod because he lives down the street from me and drives that old low-rider Chevy. He plays a lot of War, for example -- if I've heard "The Cisco Kid" once I've heard him play it 1,000 times. Trouble is Mark is that Jesus is bisexual -- I know because he keeps telling me and the ol' lady that he loves us. Whenever he rolls up a fat one he always grins and plays "What If God Smoked Cannabis!"
-- Ernest S

World music: Cesaria Evora deserves her name mentioned -- Sodade and Angola. Her voice is smooth, cormforting and haunting. Her soul is so pure -- Jesus would want this one.
-- Cynthia N

I challenge you to write a similar article about the Prophet Muhammed and his iPod.
-- Mezula M

The one I really and instantly thought of is Lamya -- album "Learning from Galling." Song: "Mountains." If you can't close your eyes and picture a young bare-breasted Lady Liberty on horseback riding through a field of wheat, over mountains, along coastlines, hair all a-flowing in the wind to THIS tune, you ain't human.
-- Janet C

The last movement of Mahler's 4th Symphony -- a child's, or peasant's, view of heaven; the opening of Mahler's 8th Symphony, "Veni, Veni, Creator Spiritus" -- another taste of heaven; Fauré's Requiem -- either the Sanctus or the In Paradisum -- could be entrance music for heaven.
-- David P

He's got "Dear God," by XTC, for when he's feeling melancholy.
-- Leslie H

Jesus has Jeff Buckley's version of "Hallelujah" on his iPod because he understands about love and loss and redemption, and every time he hears it it stops him in his tracks and breaks his heart open again.
-- Amber C

If Jesus has empathy for the young and hopeful who feel crushed by the fear, anger and confusion of growing up in the early 21st century, he listens to a lot of Bright Eyes
-- Alex

I'm thinking that he has "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" in the shuffle, the Eric Idle original from the "Life of Brian" soundtrack
-- Tor O

I can't believe that the Gate has the free cash flow available to waste money and pay a socialist journalist like yourself to write worthless s-- like this ....
-- Patrick B

Belly-dancing music! Stuff like "Chicky," by Oojami, "Ah Ya Leil," by Shereen, "Habibi Alli," by Miami, "Moon Over Ala Nar," by Naked Rhythm, "Enta Omri," by Amr Ismael, and everything Hakim and Turbo Tabla have ever done, for starters. After all, he's from the Middle East, and I am sure he loves a good beledi-rave!
-- Janice K

"Circulos," Gato Barbieri. Its a musical expression of perfect lovemaking in its cadence, percussion and horn
-- Ann S

Patricia Barber's version of the Doors' "Light My Fire" -- respecting both a major Divine Yay Yay Grrl and the Dionysus of our time that was Jim Morrison.
-- Dimitra T

You can't forget Ministry. And not that bubblegum synth pop hoo-hah from the '80s. Jesus loves the industrial, darker-than-dark speed metal of the '90s version of Ministry. Especially "Jesus Built my Hotrod" and of course, "Stigmata." Ah, Stigmata. That would get him whirling like a dervish.
-- Lance L

The Big Man would definitely include Ray Charles' "You Don't Know Me." For all the self-righteous hypocrites screaming their fear-mongering dogma in his name.
-- Cara W

I found your recent article to be completely disgusting and disturbing. This truly shows the lack of intelligence that you have. It also shows that you have nothing else to do but waste your time at the current job that you hold. What a disappointment you are, to write such an article that offends most of the people of America ... Jesus has a place for you once you pass on. I hope you enjoy it.
-- A.J. Webb

Do not forget Liz Phair. Jesus loves guitar-straddled pixies who sing about sexuality and gulping down the life force
-- Mac

"Fields of Gold," Sting. For those gray cloudy moments of longing pastoral reflection on the good and the bad that his brothers and sisters have done to each other, while he is sitting in his midtown condo looking downtown to that gaping hole in the landscape caused by thousands of years of exploitation, hate and maddeningly shortsighted overdevelopment.
-- Paul F

Deathcab For Cutie, because even the son of God needs a little bit of emo
-- Hayley M

I am sure that Jesus has Dar Williams' "The Christians and the Pagans" to give him a smile. And I have always imagined him singing "Brown-Eyed Girl" to Mary Magdelene.
-- Terry D

I'm uncertain whether your article "What's On Jesus' iPod?" moves us forward in any measurable way toward solving the divisions we see today in the government vs. religion debate. It seems that it only replaces the right's claim that "Jesus was one of us" with your claim that Jesus was like you.
-- Jim B

For those moments he's feel extraordinarily silly, the complete works of Monty Python -- especially Every Sperm Is Sacred and "All Things Dull and Ugly."
-- Amy M

You forgot one: JC totally rocks out to Brahms' 3rd. Ravel's "Bolero" is also a guilty pleasure of his, cheesiness and all ... the Holy Ghost always tells him to turn that s-- down!
-- Dave H

"Spirit in the Sky," because it's by Norman Greenbaum (and because it's in "Wayne's World").
-- Peter M

If I'm going to hell, do I get to bring MY iPod?
-- Loren C

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Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every Wednesday and Friday on SF Gate, unless it appears on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which it never does.

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