smoke it, spritz it, watch it grow

In its Nov. 22 issue, The New Yorker magazine generously gave over its back page to an Application for Permanent Canadian Residence that seems to have been written back when Dief and JFK were misguiding our nations.

The good news is that the confusing old form has been replaced by new version, drastically simplified for U.S. applicants. The Government of Canada apologizes profusely for the confusion even though it wasn’t our screw up (the New Yorker's fact-checkers really should have caught it).

Just circle the number beside the statement that you feel best applies to your point of view:

Same sex marriage:

1. is obviously a constitutional right
2. seems okay to me but gets everyone so upset so maybe we should just focus on less controversial matters
3. is fine for lesbians (heh-heh) and if they cheat a little, I don't mind neither
4. is goddamn terrorism in the bedrooms of the nation

The United Nations:

1. is an international forum to promote global peace, health and cultural understanding
2. is not the most interesting tourist destination in New York, especially for the children
3. is a toilet-shaped tax suckhole
4. starts blubberin' whenever one of our boys spanks at goddamn terrorist

Medicare is:

1. a democratic way to provide equal access to health for all citizens
2. a nice idea but where are the funds going to come from when the baby boomers start kicking it?
3. most efficiently guaranteed by the private sector
4. a terrorist scheme cooked up by gay commie doctors

Obesity is:

1. the nation's No. 1 health concern
2. not only a health issue but a difficult moral issue, especially for the children
3. a priviledge, right and honour for those who work hard
4. a big fuck-you to all those goddamn scrawny terrorists who want us to turn into holler-eyed boneracks like them

A draft dodger is:

1. someone who, for reasons of conscience, prefers to live on foreign soil rather than die on it
2. likely to introduce cappuccino and other innovations to hinterland communities where they'll eventually become real estate czars
3. skilled at skipping out on his Bud bill
4. a goddamn commie

Marijuana is:

1. a excellent plant that makes me feel good whether I smoke it, spritz it or just watch it grow
2. a potential government cash cow, although I worry about the children
3. a lawless county in California
4. that Chilean fella that Kissinger shot because the bastard was trying to turn the country into some kind of goddamn terrorist I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-what.

Social Security:

1. provides basic financial stability to the less fortunate and aged
2. fine for old baby boomers but not lazy people
3. comes in many calibres
4. used to be run by that Tom Ridge fella, who might have been the only guy in the entire government that actually looked he could hold his liquor, but now it's that little runt from ---. You want to tell me how the hell he's going to keep those goddamn commie terrorists from tellin' us where we can and can't drill for fucking oil?

Jesus:

1. preached a gospel of love, tolerance and forgiveness
2. healed the sick, knew great tricks, big wine lover, gave amazing dinner parties — and no one appreciated it!
3. despised taxes
4. threw the first rock at those goddamn Iraqi commies, that's how the whole thing got started

Environmentalism:

1. is us fighting for our lives
2. must be balanced with revenue considerations
3. is another name for dope growing
4. Okay, goddamn it, I'm not even going to fucking get into it

Beef:

1. belongs on a cow, not in your mouth
2. is best with a California Cabernet-Sauvignon, not that sour French Burgundy
3. exports from Canada should remain illegal, the end.
4. Hell, a porterhouse ain't gonna kill ya even if the goddamn terrorists pumped the cow fulla BSE

How to calculate your score:

Get out your calculator. Punch in the numbers that you circled and don't forget to put the + sign between each one! Press the = button. What number is on the screen?

10 - 15, you might enjoy Saskatchewan, Quebec and some farflung West Coast island communities

16 - 25, you'll love Gordon Campbell's B.C. or any other places run by Liberals

26 - 35, keep your ass in the Heartland

36 - 40, Texas or Alberta, your choice

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thx kindly for this, Buffalo Tim ; - )